Whether you’ve lost someone to time, separation or death, we all feel grief at some point in our lives. I know when I was experiencing another loss in my life I went through all stages of grief, and back through them again, then ten times more.
The experience of grief is unique and individual to us; however, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ book “On Death and Dying” paved the way for understanding the process of grief. Other models have since been developed, but the “Five Stages of Grief” proposed by Kubler-Ross still has value in helping us understand how we process loss.
Everyone experiences grief differently and these stages don’t represent a static or defined process. However, there are common themes for healing. Identifying with these aspects can bring peace in knowing what you are feeling is “normal and appropriate.”
The Five Stages of Grief:
*Denial
The old adage of, “The first step towards change is awareness,” is also true in this sense. Denial is your body’s way of saying, “Hold on a minute, I am not ready to accept this change quite yet,”-and that’s OK! At this point you may be feeling numbness, or are using activities to keep you busy and your mind unaware of the life change that has occurred. As you gain more support or as time passes, the denial ever so slowly starts to shift into acceptance.
*Anger
Ah, the primal emotion. Anger is common and represents pain of the loss of attachment to someone or something. Anger is often directed at someone or something so that we can justify it. Knowing that this is a necessary emotion and the purpose of it being there may help avoid attacking innocent bystanders.
*Bargaining
“…But Mom, I’ll be sooo good if you just let me have dessert…” Sound familiar? Maybe it was many years ago that you were bargaining for dessert or a new toy, but this tool still remains with us throughout life. Whomever you’re bargaining with (God, a higher power, the Universe, yourself), this is one strategy in attempting acceptance, while denial is still in the mix. Guilt is a form of bargaining turned inward. Instead of looking for external give and take, you blame yourself. The way you bargain is dependent on your personality and past experiences.
*Depression
Once you’ve stopped living in the past with bargaining, you become painfully aware of your present situation. Here you realize there is no way to change the past and you must now live in this new reality. This is often the scariest stage, especially for those witnessing someone else processing loss. There really is no way to tell how long it will last, as depression is just the symptom of this stage of healing still occurring. However, if you suspect suicidality in yourself or someone else, then PLEASE seek support from a professional.
*Acceptance
The proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel,” is found in acceptance.
You may not like having to accept the loss, but at this point, you realize that it’s happened, there’s nothing to change it, and you must move on the best you can.
There really is no way to tell how long, or how many times you will cycle through each stage. There’s also no way of identifying what will work for you in dealing with the challenges of each stage, and it will likely change for each one.
In the denial stage this may mean adding some form of exercise.
In the anger stage, especially if it is a relationship loss, it can be helpful to write letters. You can write a letter to the person, and then destroy it. Or, without sending it, compose a letter to yourself in response, but from the other person’s perspective.
In the Depression stage, it may help to seek support from others (including professionals).
In any stage, grounding yourself in nature (a form of mindful meditation of just being AWARE), and practicing gratitude (even if you don’t feel it yet), are so incredibly powerful.
One of the most beautiful and helpful things a family member offered me in my grief process at one time was to say every morning, “Time to create a brand new day.” It helped me focus on just getting my feet on the floor, letting the sun beam on my face, and re-orienting myself as the creator of my future, not a victim of my past.
Regardless of what you do to create healing, be patient with yourself and exercise awareness of the process (it’s your own process and nobody should tell you how or how long you should be feeling a certain way). Cultivate self-love and draw on your resources (including yourself) for support.
Remember, as hard as things may seem right now, you WILL gain something from this. At the very least, it will be experience. At the most – a new perspective, a deeper healing, and a renewed respect for the present moment.
For more on grief and the five stages visit: http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
NOTE: Original Post Written circa 2013, edited and re-published in 2021
